I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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