I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
