I hate your face
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
