He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
