It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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