Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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