Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
