dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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