The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
