I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
