I'm eating all of the evidence.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
