Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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