It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
