Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
