I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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