The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Terrible idea I love it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
