My sheets look like a crime scene.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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