Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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