Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
