We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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