you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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