White coat. Heels.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
