you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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