I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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