I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
