I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
worst night to have a conscience
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
