i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
