I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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