I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
