I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
