i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
