i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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