so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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