I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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