So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
