Soap is not a condiment
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
