you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
