Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
