I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
