if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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