Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
