this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
