you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Randomize
