Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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