well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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