U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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