explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
