Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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