You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I pour the whiskey from now on
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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