had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
