What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
