I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
