this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
